"You are beautiful" - I hear the words on tv and want to cry, I want to scream and cry.
I see how the girl on tv is struggling to look at herself - and I feel so, so ashamed, because I see myself in her.
I see her hide her body, I see her sadness, I see how desperate she is to run away from everyone and everything - and I feel so, so much pain because I can identify it.
"Your picking up weight aren't you?" - my friend (whose studying psychology) says matter of factly. My world is crushed. She knows I have an ED, yet still she says it, no malice - but it cuts deep. I feel so so ashamed.
"I'm so happy my baby is getting nice and fat. You're picking up weight" - my mom makes the remark with a smile on her face - I am disgusted inside. I feel like a failure, I want to scream and cry!
"You know how ugly 'dying2bsum1sthinspo' looks when she gets fat, don't you?" - a remark my mom makes to my grandmother over the phone. It's done so casually, as if there's nothing wrong with the comment. I am crying inside.
I don't have the energy to try to exercise, or eat, or not eat. I just don't have the energy. I am passing everyday - floating - not happy, drowning in sadness.
I go to bed wishing for death, wake regreting I'm alive.
I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my body. I hate everything.
